this year has been crazy
im tired all the time
i was reading through my journal
and i realized that this year has been too much
too much too handle
grandmother passes away
dad sounds so broken
dropped a burrito bowl
my friend's wife passes away
washed my face with toothpaste
a student jumped from bobst
my sister's friend is in a coma
friend's mom's cancer is back
my past is haunting me
can't stop remembering all the people that passed away in a span of 4 years
can't fight off these temptations
dark circles please please go away
junpyo ate through his gate
two pets to take care of
relationships going down the drain
went to bobst instead of cooper square for class
hit my head against the wall really hard that there's a dent in my forehead
did laundry without putting the clothes in the washing machine
so stressed that im not stressed
going downtown instead of uptown to go to gethsemane
can't put my contacts in because my eyes are so dry
eating at random times of the day
gaining mad weight
eating mcdonalds, easy mac, ramyun, chappagetti for the past month
grades slowly dropping although i live at the library
9 midterms
talking in chinese without realizing it
psych will you please sink in
migraines, sinus pain, stomach pain
legs shake while i sleep
hand stop shaking
can't stop scratching can't stop cracking my shoulder
body so sore
coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee
i feel so helpless, out of control
im a mess
im burnt out
i can't pray
i feel like a robot
i feel so emotionless
need my friends, need my family
need you to pray for me
need you God

Come to Jesus by Chris Rice

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live.

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live.

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live.

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live.

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live.

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live.

I haven't listened to Christian music for a month now. I always used to listen to it, but while I was talking to my firend today, I realized that at some point this year, I just stopped. This month has been very rough, but these words, really broke my heart. And the only thought that comes to my mind right now is 'thank you, thank you Lord. I am overwhelmed, I am blown away, I am so undeserving, I am so broken, but you have found me again. You have found me. thank you thank you thank you thank you. I can't say it enough.'



"The assurance of the believer is not that God will save him even if he stops believing, but that God will keep him believing- God will sustain you in faith, he will make your hope firm and stable to the end. He will cause you to preservere." John Piper

Monday, September 28, 2009.


Yesterday, I heard some very sad news that my grandmother in Korea had passed away. I was getting ready to leave for church when my mom called me. When I picked up the phone, I knew something was wrong, but knowing that my mom was struggling, I tried to make her happy. But when she told me that my grandmother had passed away... I got the chills. The day before Pauline was looking at my profile pictures and she noticed two pictures that she had never seen before. I told her the last picture was of me, borah unny, heesun unny, and jungyeon unny. And as I remembered what had happened 3 years ago, I was thinking to myself, 'What if someone dies again this year?' I brushed that thought off quickly hoping not to jynx anything. When I got the phone call, I felt numb. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to sit down, and think about what I had just heard. But I knew I needed God more than anything at that moment, so I dragged myself to church.

As I stood up during praise, I started to cry. I thought to myself, 'Jesus, you have to be real. You have to be. We have no hope without you.' I couldn't hold back my tears as I heard people sing, "And I'll fall facedown, as your glory shines all around, yes. I'll fall facedown, as your glory shines around." I was so broken by these words, but as I tried to sing, I just couldn't seem to do so. I was so broken and empty. But the pastor's message that we worship God because he truly deserves it, and that Satan has power over evil, and that worship declares God's ultimate holiness made me remember how foolish I was being for even questioning God's control over this very situation. I held onto God all the more because I knew that Satan could use this situation to hurt me and my family, and make us turn away from God. But without God there is no hope, there is no life, there is no meaning.

My grandmother was not Christian, but Catholic. When I first heard that she was now Catholic, I couldn't help but to rejoice in the fact that God was opening up her closed heart. My grandfather on the other hand, was very bitter towards Catholicism and Christianity. In the past, my dad's brother, who was a very committed Christian, had passed away at an early age due to a heart attack. The pain that my grandfather felt was unbearable, and the first person he blamed was God. So when my grandmother became Catholic, my grandftaher didn't want to have any part in it. The pain that he had to endure to to his loss was still with him. By using my grandmother, God was able to slowly open up the heart of my grandfather and when we asked him what he needed from the U.S, he simply asked us to bring him a Bible rather than the pine nuts, or macadamias that he would usually ask for. We rejoiced as we saw him changing slowly, and we were so thankful to God.

Now I know why my grandmother was the first to pass away. God had such an amazing plan for her, for her to reach out to my grandfather. Her love towards God had overflowed that my grandfather's closed heart had naturally opened up. Although, she was sick, she was so committed to God. I also began to understand why I had gone on Missions this summer. I remembered when I went swimming with my family. Whenever I think about that day, I can't help but to smile. We hadn't gone out to enjoy ourselves together with my grandfather and grandmother in such a long time because they were sick for such a long time. The last time I remember that we had done that is in 4th grade.

But what I couldn't seem to understand was that she left before she really got to know Jesus. It was just the beginning, and to think that it is possible that I would not be able to see her in Heaven made me so sad. And that she had left right when my grandfather's relationship with God was beginning to grow. But Cynthia reminded me once again that although it might hurt to know that I was not able to deliver the great news of Jesus to my grandmother, although it might feel like this past summer was the perfect time to do so, God still has all power over this situation. And at times like this I have to trust him and his timing.

God blessed me yesterday, by bringing me people that would help me remember how great he is. By having fellowship I really felt God's presence. I was able to fight the pain. God is amazing. To bring my grandparents to him when they were in their 70's, how amazing is that? I just hope that my grandfather would see that too, how amazing God for using such a wonderful woman to bring him back.

And as I look at these past few years, I can't help but to thank God for changing me. I remember when I came back from Korea 3 years ago, and I had heard that Jiwon had drowned, and after that when I heard Jungyeon unny was gone, and last year that Dawool unny too was gone... I was dreading this time of year to come. I was scared that it would happen again. But when I think about how I reacted in the past, I can't help but to thank him for using those situations to reach out to me, to draw me closer to him, to bring all people to him, whether they were enemies or friends, as a body of Christ. I have to say that it's not that easy for my family right now, but he's using this very situation to bring my family together, he's using this situation to bring us to him. I hope that this may be a testimony that will not only reach out to other people of this world, but that this would be a testimony that really reaches out to my aunts, uncles, and cousins who still don't believe. Please pray for my family, and that they would turn to God during this painful time. Please pray especially for my dad who loved my grandmother with a passion. Please pray that my grandmother's life would be a testimony especially to her beloved children.

please pray for my family.